Getting over fear of failure (personal story)
Grade 9. I’m 15. It’s the graduation day I’ve been waiting for.
Large school auditorium filled with students waiting to receive their diplomas on stage. Friends & families are there to support.
I am wearing all white, mentally rehearsing how I will be receiving my “Diploma with Merit” in front of everyone.
Deep down I don’t feel I deserve it, but I also have a need to be seen. I crave acknowledgement.
My heart starts pumping when I hear my name. I get up and walk to that short staircase in the centre of everyone’s attention.
I think there’re only 4 or 5 steps to take. I walk up. And then.. I trip and FALL FLAT in front of the entire school.
Moment of silence. Audible whispers. And then some giggles..
I now see clearly that it was a deeply traumatic experience that affected the rest of my conscious adult life.
Because right then and there a teenage girl with an already fragile self-esteem made the following conclusions:
- It’s not safe to show up and be seen.
- If I fall or fail, I will be laughed at.
- There’s nobody out there to catch or support me.
And here’s a cherry on top: after making these conclusions, my mind decided to suppress the actual memory of that day for almost 20 years..
Until it came up in my hypnotherapy session, where as a patient I was seeking answers to why I am so terrified to show up - while at the same time having a burning desire to publicly share my thoughts and ideas.
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When traumatic experiences happen, our senses get super-heightened because the nervous system gets into a fight/ flight/ freeze mode as a response to a perceived danger.
So when the memory came up, out of a sudden I remembered the smallest details of that experience; The texture of the surface I fell on. The smell of the dusty old wooden floor. Blood rushing to my face and pulsing in the temples. I even remembered how the light was beaming through the large windows and how the dust particles were dancing in the rays of that light.
..and, the most acute and painful snapshot out them all - those giggles in the audience.
I also remembered that I was scanning the room on the way back to my seat, trying to catch a compassionate look or anyone’s supportive glance. But it just wasn’t there.
I made it to my seat quietly and sat frozen, full of shame, until the end of that ceremony.
But what I really needed at that moment was to cry like babies do when they fall. Or maybe even to scream.
I needed a hug and someone to say.. It’s ok baby girl. You are safe. You are loved. Let’s cry or laugh together. Let me witness you. You’re allowed to fall. It doesn’t define you. Life happens. You’re so beautiful. You are ENOUGH!
Instead, that paralyzing visceral shame paired with lack of emotional release and external support made me avoid any future scenarios where I could potentially be rejected or judged by others.
To protect me from similar painful experiences, the clever mind offered up its signature protection mechanisms - perfectionism, procrastination, self-sabotage and imposter syndrome - which I’ve been struggling with for the last two decades.
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I have an urge to share this story because every single one of us has been through some sort of traumatic past experience that lies at the root of a completely made up limiting narrative.
I’m a disorganized person.
My energy is repelling.
I am a mess.
I’m a bad parent/ partner.
I can’t speak in public.
I’m not capable of running a business.
I am not attractive.
I just can’t.
Most people accept these “I was born this way” false ideas instead of questioning and investigating where they really stem from.
Understandably, it’s too hard to see the possibility of an alternative reality when you’ve been operating from the familiar patterns for years.
But here’s what you can do: Access those pivotal memories from the past stored in the subconscious mind.
This will allow you to:
Feel what needed to be felt at that moment.
Release stuck emotions - be it anger, shame, rage, guilt, grief, etc.
Comfort that little scared child that didn’t know what to do.
Forgive others who didn’t know how to love you differently.
See that painful beliefs you have about yourself have nothing to do with who you really are.
Rewrite your self-perception.
Understanding the root cause of the issue creates room for separation from the false belief, followed by a breakthrough, which often leads to a major transformation.
You CAN get to the bottom of it.
It happened to me as a patient more than once and it’s the reason why I added hypnotherapy to my toolbox.
I now witness my clients have cathartic experiences when they finally see the real reasons behind their limitations and access memories about specific past events that caused them to believe in a lie.
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My message to you is this: if something keeps causing you emotional suffering, find the courage to investigate it instead of avoiding, denying or numbing it.
And then, one day.. you will realize that you’re publicly broadcasting your ideas without giving a damn about the giggles in the audience.